This is a phone conversation I wrote for a non-existent novel about people in odd telephone relationships. Nobody was hurt during the exchange, but somebody really should have been. It was also carried out under normal conditions, which may explain the banality of it. I’m making a record of it in case the person on the other end of the phone ever wants to cease and desist at some point.
“Hello, is this God?”
Pause for laugh.
“This is Arthur Lent.”
“I was kidding, sonny. So, Artemis, I was wondering if you could help me with something.”
“I’ll try.”
“Great. I’m from Maryland, the Old Line State where women beg and men give in.”
Pause for laugh.
“I don’t know much about Maryland.”
“Never mind me, I’m as full of the stuff that makes the grass grow green.”
Pause for laugh.
“Are you.”
“I’m also old and forgetful and don’t own a computer or know what to do with it except surf for porn. Hopefully when you get older you won’t loose your marbles.”
Pause for laugh.
“I hope not.”
“So, Artie, I’m trying to find out if Maine has a lobster trap tree? I seem to remember it does, but all my friends think I’m full of the stuff that makes the grass grow green.”
Pause for laugh.
“Yes, there are 2, one in Rockland and another in Kennebunk, I think. I’ll have to check.”
“Great! Can you send me a copy of the tree, kiddo.”
“I thought you said you don’t have a computer.”
“I don’t. I’m as full of the stuff that makes the grass grow green.”
Pause for laugh.
“I’m aware.”
“So, can you send me a copy?”
“Like a photocopy, then?”
“Hell no, I wouldn’t know how to use one.”
Pause for laugh.
“I’m not sure, then, how to send you a copy.”
“How about you send it to my wife’s email address. Do you have a wife, Albert?
“Yes.”
“I’m so forgetful, I forget mine. Worst thing I ever did was marry. I’m so full of the stuff that makes the grass grow green.”
Uncomfortable pause.
“Why don’t you give me your wife’s email address and I’ll send the photo of the tree along.”
“Sure, sure. The old bag will love getting an email. Say, while I have you on the phone. Do you know the address of the Bush compound at Walker Point? I’d like to congratulate the president on another 4 years in the White House.”
“I believe the current president of the U.S. is Obama.”
“In your dreams, Andrew! That SOB don’t live in my White House. Do you know what SOB means, Harold? It means He Of Little Faith.”
“That would be HOLF.”
“Yeah, it’s perfect, isn’t it? I told you I’m full of the stuff that makes the grass grow green.”
Pause for final laugh.
“I’ll send a photo of the lobster trap tree shortly.”
“Thanks, Alice. Maybe some day you and your husband will make it down to Maryland. There’s loads of stuff here that makes the grass grow green. Thanks again for all your help. I’ll show those sons of britches that I haven’t lost my memory.”
“It’s been a pleasure.”
Dead line.
Here’s some Atoms for Peace. That would be Mr. Yorke and Flea in a skirt.
Allister Timms 