Disconnected, Disinterested, Confused

This is my unholy trinity as a writer. A lovely web of weird fate.

I spent a lot of time in my head as a child. So others left me alone, and subsequently, little was expected of me. I paid attention to this. I slotted it away like I hid marbles from my brother, cigarettes from my parents, homework from my teachers.

It created a lovely feeling: there, but not there. It was like being a hologram. Or a particle that becomes a wave — but I’m drowning, not waving, and I like it….

A lot more is expected from me as an adult. And that’s fine. But that seldom seen kid that no one noticed is still around. And I like it when I can steal into his head from time to time.

I enjoy the sense of being disconnected; floating free of society’s capsule. I mean how many times can a person put a ray gun to one’s head before he or she becomes alien to themselves? Sometimes I even sing Numan’s lyrics: “Me, I disconnect from you,” to help the feeling along. And I’d say it’s an important part of being a writer, this disconnectedness.  I plug out to plug in. Leave the material for the creative.

Same with being disinterested. Which is not the same as being apathetic. Apathy implies no energy for anything. Disinterested suggests choosing. And choose I do. As a writer, you need to guard your time and so it helps to slip into a state of disinterest and find yourself immersed in words, writing. All the disinterest leads you to act, focus, pay attention to what is important.

Which leads me to confused. I’m still confused by the world, myself, others, the writing life. I still go into my head to make some sense of it. (That boy I was taught me that. Or untaught me. I can’t tell.) Because I can never really figure things out, only come to some shadow understanding. As a writer I love this, this is my modus operandi. Confusion is what drives me to write: the confusion of emotions, of mind, of ideas, of every little atom that is the world — or even some world to be. But it’s a bugger having this creative confusion in everday life, people expect more of you, they want more from you, they want you to be here now!

That’s when it really helps to be that seldom seen kid.

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