Slightly Foxy Pages

I was in aisle 5 today at the grocery store, where all the canned food is shelved, and a friend asked: “Have you ever been to Hooters?”

I went to one in Florida. It was all tits and asses. Not that I minded. But, I was trying to eat a chicken breast sandwich. And when I went to leave a tip, the Hooter started swirling a hula hoop.

Same kind of thing happened to me in Amsterdam. I walk into this strip joint, and the scruffy guy in the glass-encased booth shouts to me: “You need to be fully clothed to come in here.”

I had more luck in Galway. There was this strip joint there that was called the Celtic Tiger. I went in dressed like Boadicea and actually got a pole dance named in my honor.

Not so lucky in Las Vegas. I started yelling “Is that full-grain leather?” when the dominitrix came in with leather bodice and braided whip. I left with a fat lip.

Bit more luck in Munich, though. When the call girl asked me if I liked tea bagging, I pulled out my teapot, cosey, and pack of PG Tips and replied, “Jesus, yes. The stronger the better.” I left reformed.

Some sound writing advice from Norman Mailer:

“Over the years, I’ve found one rule. It is the only one I give on those occasions when I talk about writing. A simple rule. If you tell yourself you are going to be at your desk tomorrow, you are by that declaration asking your unconscious to prepare the material. You are, in effect, contracting to pick up such valuables at a given time. Count on me, you are saying to a few forces below: I will be there to write.”

Here’s another about the art of being controversial:

“Look, most writers who are timid are afraid of pissing people off, because they feel they’ll lose part of their audience. My feeling has always been that one mustn’t be afraid of that. It’s much better to write with the notion that if you’re good enough, you can change people’s lives. That’s one of the powerful motives of writing, to feel that you’ve enlarged other people’s consciousness. And the way you do that is you open their minds. Now that can be painful and irritating and annoying or worse for people, but you can’t look back.”

And here’s a good one about knowing when your work is done:

“When I read it, I don’t wince, which is all I ever ask for a book I write.”


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