Consolidating my position as the cutting edge of a new me, I am today announcing that I will be the first person in my family to exist as a brief text message. This epochal move to a tailor-made Twitter self will only require 140 characters, so my carbon footprint should be almost nominal.
Boosted by the involvement of celebrity “twits” like Madonna and Britney Spears, I’m hoping that my own family will start treating me a little better.
As a brief text message I should be able to capture the full breadth of my meaningless daily activity, eliminating the waffle and bluster that sometimes accompanies me, and my new brevity should now enable me to squeeze into smaller parking spaces.
Being a brief text message of 140 characters should also shorten arguments; make sex more enjoyable; reduce the stress from tedious conversations; get me out of meetings; and make me so much more aware of what it is I am really trying to say. In fact, I will be the paradigm of conservation and economy. World leaders, environmentalists, editors, and Playboy bunnies will all look to me for answers to their ongoing sustainability.
The only problems I foresee with this transcendence to a Twitter state of existence is that I might have to compete on a daily basis with Stephen Fry’s overly jolly tone about being trapped in a lift or eating a delicious tart.
I might even try out Gutter Twitter, which for an extra fee will filter my 140 characters to noteworthy liberal opinions espoused from the mouths of dead philosophers or current politicians.
I’ve entered a brave new world. Come Twitter with me. (Just make it short. I’ve got a limited vocabulary and attention span.)