Winking-self aggrandizement

I have decided to get my one eyebrow worked into topiary. I’ve decided that Rodin’s “The Thinker” would make a good choice.

I’m also going to wax my lips with Burt’s.

And trim my beard with a pair of Swedish blades — who are hopefully young, experienced, and women.

Then there’s some serious nostril hair plucking to do if I’m going to be any good at looking down my nose at people looking up.

And I’m going to remove the wrinkles by applying beauty spots with permanent markers.

If you’d like to join me, I’ll be on the sofa at five.

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