What you give is what you get

I read that scientists have found under the permafrost in a disused barbershop in Rangeley the hair of a Mr. Wigan Pier. They have been able to synthesize a genome-size chunk of his DNA to develop it into a whole animal.

At this point, the scientists are being a bit vague, but from data decoded by the new generation of DNA sequencing machines, they think they have a relative to Neanderthal man.

Since science isn’t an exact science and the DNA in Mr. Pier’s hair is heavily contaminated by Brylcreem and the highlighted curls of a Dotty Bashmachkin, the scientists are not prepared to equivocally admit they can make an appointment for the new Mr. Pier for a short back and sides.

They have announced, however, that he’s undergone a shave and is looking more and more like the extinct species of  human with a receding forehead and prominent brow ridges from ice-age Europe between 120,000–35,000 years ago.

Mr. Pier’s last living relative, Larrup “Fossil” Pier, is quoted as being thrilled to find out he’s related to Neanderthal man instead of a bunch of losers who shot nightcrawlers. He also added that before today he thought science as being only 10,000 years old and is glad to know that scientists rotate around theories and not the other way round.

Wigan Pier’s dead dog was quoted as saying the apocalypse is near at hand and that creationism is alive and well with the earthworms.

Until Wigan Pier’s DNA is able to withstand three cups of coffee, the scientists are keeping a watchful eye on him at an undisclosed address somewhere at 32 Brigg Lane, Presque Isle. Mr. Pier has also responded well to the appearance of a large club that was presented to him by the town’s selectmen.

There has been no statement issued from Mr. Wigan Pier at this point, and the scientists have speculated that, in fact, it might take a millennium before he actually utters a thing.

Otherwise the regenerated hair from Rangeley is in perfect health. Although it is reported that Mr. Pier is bemused by the size of his sexual organ since he’d gone into the barber’s to get a trim.


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