The case of the missing liberal

Scene: Court room. A young, though looking his age, Welshman stands dazed in the criminal pie that he’s just popped out of. The judge, a dreaded man, is wearing the latest democratic wig and his gavel is ready to be liberally hammered in bipartisan knocks.

Judge: You have been accused on 389 counts of the 270 needed to have willfully subverted the course of justice by freely admitting to having sexual intercourse with many liberal-minded individuals. In fact, and this is verbatim, in your testimony you said ‘I think it would be fair to say that I’ve had sex with the vast majority of liberals who gripped America by its groin.’ Do you deny this?

Defendant: I think I might have overstated a bit. I was excited, you know, and it is difficult to recall now what happened in the carnal act. All I can say for certain is that half of the registered voters did cry out liberally that I had a mandate.

Judge: Do you swear that you have never, or ever, so long as I wear this itchy wig, claim to know the exact number of virgins you have taken to your free-thinking bosom as being in fact the largest constituents to ever fondle your member. And let me remind you young man, you are under oath here, as well as under the false pretext of owning a used condom that runs off ethanol.

Defendant: I will admit that my trousers might have been a bit too tight. But, your honour, it was not the amount of sex but the quality of it that counts. And I can say that a vast majority of the electorate were aroused to a passion that has never before been seen but at an orgy.

Judge: Even so, your blatant use of the ‘L’ word and your titillating of the facts, and your salacious and often graphic description of the mass of people being sexually liberated by your tongue is a gross and clearly unpatriotic use of the first amendment and Kama Sutra. And so I’m afraid I have to find you guilty on all counts. I sentence you to 4 years of a Democratic president, which I might reduce to 2 if you promise to stay away from his wife. But, and I can’t but stress this, you will have to keep such lewd behaviour in your pants, not trousers, this is America, until you have learnt that raunchy republicanism is still alive and well. This very court has been overrun with cases of abuse to target-practice deer, that have had photocopied faces of Sarah Palin stuck to their heads, sodomized in the pursuit of liberty, freedom, and the right to tinker with a woman’s reproductive organs.

Defendant: I can reform! I can change. Yes I can, Yes I can. Please. Put me under surveillance. Tap my phones. Take away my constitutional rights. Make me wear a condom. But please, don’t take away my right to procreate with the left or the right.

Judge: My judgment is final. Send him home with a couple of uncivil and disobedient Republican tarts and let’s see how contrite he really is.

Exeunt defendant screaming and crying. The judge removes his shoe and lights up a reefer.

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