A Work of Staggering Unoriginality

At the time the Titanic hit the iceberg, Adam and Eve were sailing Penobscot Bay. Since they had been kicked out of the Garden of Eden, they’d decided on boating as a way to keep out of trouble. Had it only been that easy. Now, on top of original sin, they were arguing up a storm and Adam was in jeopardy of losing his fig leaf — again. The trouble all started when Eve accidentally dropped the apple core overboard.

“Why must you be so clumsy, Eve?”

“I couldn’t help it. The serpent….”

“Don’t start that one again, for God’s sake. Now what do we do? That’s the core of all human wisdom gone. Not too mention our keepsake for the first time we did it.”

“Listen Adam, I plucked it, but it was you who wolfed it down.”

“I was hungry.”

“Yes, in more ways than one. And look how that fruit repaid you. I’ve always said it looks like a stem.”

“Ok, leave it be. What are we going to do about the core, though?”

“Fish it out?”

“With what?”

“A pole?”

“Give it a rest woman! It wasn’t the only thing I got, there’s all this human knowledge, too.”

“My, you are sensitive about it. I was referring to a long, slender, rounded piece of wood.”

“Oh.”

“Why don’t you dive in and get it?”

“No way, this is my last fig leaf until I can get my hands on some fruit of the loom.”

“Well, I’m not going in. Everyone will start thinking the fecundity of the waves is my fault now, too.’

“What’s to be done? We can’t let the core just float away.”

“Why not, the whole fruit thing has brought us nothing but unhappiness.”

“No it hasn’t, that’s mankind. If God didn’t want us to have the apple then why did he create it?”

“A test?”

“What, so that we could tell apples from oranges.”

“Oh, that’s so unorthodox of you!”

“Are you going to get it or not?”

“Why don’t we call the Coast Guard?”

“Why?”

“Because I’m sick of carrying this guilt around.”

“That’s all well and good, but what do you think the Coast Guard’s going to say when he sees us dressed like this?”

“I know, some kind of biblical joke about snakes and willing wenches. You’re right, I just can’t take another joke at our expense. So what do you suggest?”

“Oh, I don’t know… a little diversion, maybe. Hell, let’s just go below decks and forget we even had the core.”

“That’s your answer for everything, isn’t it? A bit of horsing around. It’s that kind of behavior that’s given man a need to invent God.”

“Holy shit, you are tempting fate now, lovey. Inventing God. Phew, I’m glad I’m not in your fig leaf. I’m glad I only ate the apple.”

“Adam, how many times must I tell you, God really doesn’t care about us any more, not since the devil took up flying.”

“He did?”

“Yes. Didn’t you read about it? He’s got a plane. He was reported as saying it makes it much easier to corrupt people with wings.”

“Why didn’t we get a plane?”

“Because God thought we’d be better suited as boaters. If you remember, he said that because we would no doubt go on sinning, it was better than we did it at sea and out of sight of anything bigger than a sperm whale.”

“Is that what he said?”

“Yes. I told you at the time that your thinghy would be the undoing of us. If you’d stopped playing with it so much, you might have heard God’s words a bit better and we might be flying a plane now and not mucking about in a boat!”

“But what about that apple core?”

“I swear, if you mention that core one more time, then I promise you, you won’t ever have me again. Not until the Titanic sinks!”

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