The hoar frost your mother warned you about

These quotes were never actually spoken but heard in the chambers of one fool’s mind.

“No more penicillin, dear, I’m afraid I’ll go off the Gorgonzola.” Pasteur to his wife.

“Your nipples are killing me!” The Marquis de Sade to the Iron Maiden

“Fetch, boy, fetch.” Pavlov to his dog.

“I really shouldn’t eat another one, honey.” Saturn to Ops.

“My dad’s was longer but it couldn’t jiggle like this.” Chippendale dancer to his date.

“Jesus, my lord, how do I get out of this mess?” Henry VIII to his maker.

“Oh, lord preserve us, the altar boy’s just piddled in my mitre.” The Pope to the archbishop.

“Do I really look like that?” Paris Hilton to her Yorkshire terrier.

“To hell with sense and sensibility!” Hugh Grant after his blow job.

“I see you’re still waiting for Godot.” Beckett to himself.

“Blimmey, that’s my wife’s snatch they’ve gone and photographed.” Guy Ritchie to no one in particular.

“I’ve had it up to here with all the fucking self-referential stuff in movies.” Quentin Tarantino to Uma Thurman

“Can you just help me with all this zinc in my bed, Quentin.” Uma to Tarantino

“Is this Route 1?” John Travolta

“Can I squeeze the lemon, please?” Jamie Oliver’s assistant.

“Everything’s possible in New York if you are Woody Allen.” Woody Allen to Woody Allen.

“How many times must I tell you that the haricot verts make me nauseous.” Satre to de Beauvoir.

“Did you use a misplaced modifier on my wife?” Editor to copy editor.

“At your age, I never gave a thought to marriage.” Chaplin to his young bride Oona.

“I like stirrups and whips, too.” Jockey to his horse.

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