In the Bedroom

If Maine had its own Sphinx, that riddle about what walks about on three legs in the evening wouldn’t flummox a soul here. What I’m saying is, demographically, the place I call home is getting older. Don’t ask me how I know. Although I suspect the grizzled hairs around my temples have something to do with it.

Such facts could be disheartening if you’re young, because it, well, cuts to the marrow of your youth exposing that hastily written note tacked to your consciousness that reads: “Hi, it’s me, the Grim Reaper. Just wanted you to know I’m here.” But I just read an article on the BBC that should put a bounce into everyone’s mortality. It appears that going into one’s dotage does not prevent older Americans from enjoying an active sex life.

What I hastily — since time is passing — conclude from these optimistic results is that the Pine Tree State is not heading to the land of senescent without a fuss. The survey further showed that of those who were sexually active, most were having sex at least two or three times a month. If that news alone isn’t enough to make Gen X minimize their porn sites, then this next bit of information should make the MP3 Generation reflect on whether their scantily clad photos should be posted to MySpace.

Apparently, half of the people surveyed up to age 75 freely admitted that they had oral sex. And about half of the men and a quarter of the women said they masturbated, regardless of whether they had a sexual partner.

The brothel creeper Sebastian Horsley, libertine, dandy, and raconteur, couldn’t do much better even if he tried. (And trust me, he has. You only have to read his book Dandy in the Underworld.)

So Maine may be graying on top, but it’s far from an old-timer below.

Now for the rest of us it hardly seems fair to boast about the number of times we overtake our elderly citizens going the snail’s pace on the road, or fuming when they fill the boat ramp with their Old Town kayaks and then struggle with them to the water as if they were the coffins of dearly departed loved ones, or even roll our eyes when we see a couple all dressed up in the latest spandex, wheezing over their carbon-framed bikes.

It’s all a damn ploy.

Now all somebody needs to do is change that sign to read: “Maine, the Way Sex Should Be.”

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One thought on “In the Bedroom

  1. Allister, I’m slowly going through your blog and this made me laugh. I especially like the bit about the geriatrics…hope your having a good weekend, g

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